Swimming, 7.7.20

These photos really have nothing to do with this post, but they do show how I've been spending my time, lately- nesting in this simple, little house of ours; our safe space. It's timing in our lives couldn't have been better, so I've just been here, enjoying the simplicity of it, trying to clear my mind.

I told my husband the only way I know how to describe what I've been feeling and doing, lately, is "swimming around" in some deep feelings around all of the controversy, divisiveness, sensitive issues and topics that are pretty much everywhere these days. Sometimes, it seems like the only safe place is home- in this space and/or surrounded only by people who truly know me and what I’m about; where I don't have to worry that something that I say or do may be misunderstood; or worry about misunderstanding what someone else says or does. I know the uneasiness and heightened awareness is what is needed to bring about change- I totally get that. But, at the same time, I know how it feels to be overwhelmed by too much information and prone to excessive worry and anxiety. And, that kind of worry affects every area of my life. And when that happens, I have to withdraw. Because even though I'm aware of the big picture, I also know that how I show up for and nurture myself, my personal relationships and the climate of my own home has to come first. Because I know that if I'm not giving my attention to what is up-close and personal to me and caring for my own state of mind, there is no way I can show up as my best, most informed, most authentic self- knowing exactly how I can and should show up for anything or anyone else. 

Thankfully, through yoga, I have tools for self-inquiry, because a huge part of the "swimming around" is, in fact, self-inquiry- turning things around and asking myself some hard questions. What is my place in the bigger picture? How can I educate myself to better understand all of these issues that are still so relevant in the world today? Am I being authentic? Or am I suddenly showing up just to prove to myself, or to the world, that I am "awake" to the issues? Am I "awake" to the issues? If not, why? Am I being overly critical of others, without really knowing exactly where they are coming from, exactly what their story is? Am I assuming too quickly and judging when I shouldn’t be? Am I being sensitive to the needs, thoughts and feelings of other people and their experiences and opinions? Am I being overly sensitive? When should I speak up? When should I stay quiet? How am I choosing my battles? How much energy do I have to give? SO many important questions. 

So, if you're feeling overwhelmed, retreating back to yourself for a while is nothing to feel guilty about. I know that being able to take time for yourself is a huge privilege, but I also know that "swimming around" for a while- feeling it all and thinking things through on your own- will likely lead you to a place of better understanding- of yourself, the world and your place in it. 

Be Still. 

Be Strong. 

Be Happy. 

And, Be Graceful. ~  Juli