Marriage, Mothering, and Surrendering to What Is, 5.14.24

 (** This is being published 2 months after it was created because it took that long to work up the courage to put it out there.) 

41 years ago today, I got married. I was 17 and Gary was 22. We dated for 3 1/2 years and were married for 20 1/2. Our marriage ended in 2004. And even though it ended, 24 years and 3 amazing kids does not equate to failure, at least in my book. Do I wish it lasted longer? Yes, no doubt about it. I wish I would have tried harder. I wish I would have been stronger for my kids. But, in the end, a 17 year old girl wants and needs very different things than the 37 year old woman she would become. 

Ending my marriage was the hardest thing I ever did, until I had to watch my kids lose their dad to a stupid, ridiculous, freak, and very preventable accident. Suddenly, the guilt I had about our divorce was compounded by the fact that I thought his death was my fault.  My immediate thought after Gary died was, "If we had still been together still, this wouldn't have happened." I know now that it was irrational to think that way, but still, that thought, that belief, would hang over me for years. 

Since he died, I tried to make up for his absence by being there for my kids as a mom and, because I couldn't replace their dad, an "extra" mom. I became an overprotective, hovering mom. I know now that it wasn't healthy and what they really needed was counseling, but at the time, that thought never crossed my mind. I believed that being that "extra" mom was what they needed. All I knew was what was once our family of five (yes, even being divorced, we were still the "original five") was suddenly a family of four and it was up to me to fill the gap and keep it all together. Over time, this became my favorite quote:

 This worked well enough for two of our kids, but not so much for the other. Ultimately, trying to protect our family as a whole,  cost me (us) one more member. We were (are) now down to three. Now I have to be a mother to that child from a distance. Not really much physical distance, in miles, but a distance in mind and spirit that may as well be a million miles. If you have never had to grieve someone who is still alive, consider yourself lucky. There is really no explaining it. It's both a physical and emotional pain you can never recover from because there is no closure. They are just gone. They may come back. They may never come back. 

Even though I will never fully recover, with support and guidance from family and friends, I was able to transform my guilt and grief into growth and healing. I had to heal myself from things I really didn't know needed healing. It's been a long haul, but I made it my mission to get to the other side of it. I was eventually able to look at myself objectively, from outside of my ego, and take responsibility for my part, good or bad, in any one of my relationships.  I know now that I can only control what I think and do. I can't control what other people do, say, think, believe, want, etc.- even my own child. I have to be okay with what is, with the way things are now, even though they are not the way I imagined them.

Now, 8 years later, I feel stronger than I have ever felt.  I'm at a place where I feel confident helping others. I can see now how much I have to be thankful and grateful for. I've surrounded myself with loving, supportive people who show me and teach me every day how to be a better wife, mom, daughter, sister, teacher, friend, co-worker. I can now see that the 24 years that Gary and I had together, having and raising our kids, were the most meaningful and formative years of my life. Continuing his legacy, our legacy, of nurturing our kids and grand kids as much as possible, and just being a good human by helping others as much as possible, is exactly what I am supposed to be doing with my life. All of it- all of the good stuff and all of the hard stuff- led me to this place. And I can honestly say, it's an amazing place.

Being transparent and honest about our story, who we are, good and bad, is my way of paying forward the help that I received. It's the helping legacy I mentioned earlier. Telling our story is cathartic to me, but, hopefully, it also leads others to a place of healing. Hopefully,  it helps someone else out there realize that there is a beautiful life even through all of the messy, painful, hard times. 

Be Still. Be Strong. Be Happy. ~ Juli

P.S. If you can relate to any of this, and need an ear, I've become a pretty good listener.  Also, a book that helped me tremendously: Loving What Is, by Byron Katie. If you are not a reader, look her up on YouTube or try an audio version of the book. She helps you see things from a totally different perspective. 

Hearing other people sharing their stories and putting themselves out there in a vulnerable way helped me as well. Seek out those people. Then, tell YOUR story. Saying things out loud to someone who is listening deeply and not judging you, changes everything. 

8 limbs, 4.11.24

 

This post was going to be about burnout, and it still kind of is, but I realized that writing about working through burnout (at least for me) requires much more explanation than I originally thought. There is no way I could explain how I manage to work through any obstacle, crisis, struggle, etc. without also writing about the impact that the 8 limbs of yoga (#10 from this post) have had, and continue to have, on my life. The thing is, they help me through so much more than hard times. They help me through all kinds of days, moods, circumstances, etc. - good, bad, and ordinary.

Many people who have not gone through formal yoga training think of yoga as being just about the physical postures. But, once you begin digging into yoga philosophy (especially with fantastic teachers and mentors as I have had) you'll soon find that it is so much more than that. These tools have grounded me in a way that I never thought would be possible. Brief examples of each limb are given above, but I thought I'd share my own understanding and experiences with each one as I move through all of my days. 

Yamas- social ethics. I reflect on this "code" of social ethics in all of my relationships. It reminds me that nothing in this world is all about me. It reminds me to quiet my ego, over and over and over again. It reminds me to treat people the way I would want to be treated. It reminds me to speak in a way that does no harm, but also reminds me to speak my truth.

Niyamas- personal practices. The niyamas remind me to protect my inner and outer world, as it is all connected. They remind me to continually strive toward a minimalist lifestyle by not taking or accumulating more than I need. It reminds me to always try to do better and be better, but at the same time, to surrender to what is, knowing I am enough.

Asana- physical postures. Asana practice is my opportunity to move my body along with my breath. Asana reminds me to connect to myself through movement, meditation and breath. It reminds me to take time to focus only on myself and to, once again, surrender and meet myself where I am.

Pranayama- breath work. Breath work gives me an opportunity to calm my nervous system in times of anxiety or stress. It reminds me that everything I need is inside of me already and my breath will bring me back to that sense of self, if I just slow down enough to listen. As I listen to my breath, it reminds me that I am okay- right here, right now.

Prathyahara- turning inward. Turning inward reminds me of the powerful connection of mind, body and spirit. By tuning into this connection through the energy centers (the chakras) of my body, I come back to a place of stability, no matter what is happening outside of myself. 

Dharana- concentration. Dharana reminds me- Every. Single. Day. - to stop multi-tasking and enjoy the present moment- in the mundane and ordinary moments as well as the extraordinary moments. 

Dhyana-surrendering to what is. Dhyana reminds me to always come back to knowing that I am in everything and everything is in me. It reminds me to come back to knowing that everything that is happening is happening for my higher good and it's okay to let go and be okay with what "is". 

Samadhi- a state of complete bliss. Samadhi reminds me, again, that I am part of everything and everything is a part of me. I'm not sure I will ever reach this state, but I know I can continually strive for this through practice. 

It is all a practice.

Be Still. Be Strong. Be Happy. 

~Juli

https://srisrischoolofyoga.org/na/blog/8-limbs-of-yoga-ashtanga-yoga/

#5, Aging Simply, Simply Aging: 3-8-24

Number 5 on the list of tools I've learned to use, to help me stay organized and productive,  is simplifying my "beauty" and self-care routine. I hesitate to use the term "beauty" because that's really not what it's about. What I really mean is my "getting ready to face the world each day" routine but that seems a bit too long! Anyway, I believe presenting yourself to the world as the best version of yourself is SO important. It doesn't mean you are vain or shallow, it shows that you care. It affects the way you feel about yourself, which affects the way you show up to, and for, any relationship. I'm slowly making changes to make this part of my life much more simple and I'm learning to let go and surrender to the process of aging. Because, let's face it, being here and getting older, is a privilege.  

Here are a few changes I've made,

*using a limited number of products for self-care (Ayurveda Experience, Jordan Essentials, Lily and Fox)

*letting my hair grow out, along with all of the color and using only one line of products (Amika)

*using only one brand of cosmetics (Thrive)

It doesn't seem like much (I'm always considering ways to simplify even more) but paring everything down saves me a significant amount of time and money.  Most of the changes mentioned above have to do with products I’ve found over the years that I keep coming back to, so I don’t feel the need to keep searching for the “best” one.  No more buying on impulse only to find that there are no miracle products out there (even if they are expensive and endorsed by celebrities!). Going with the basics is totally enough. I’ve linked some of the brands I use below, in case you’d like to try them yourself. I would say the biggest impact on simplifying my self-care, though, has nothing to do with products. The biggest impact has been changing my hair. It is SO freeing to know that I don't have to get my hair cut and colored every 4 weeks. Again, it saves me time and money, my hair feels healthier, and most of all, it feels authentic. I am no longer trying to be something I'm not and not trying to be younger than I am. (No judgement, though, to any one who continues to color their hair!) The white hair is ME and knowing that it is a trait that comes from my Great Grandma Tabers seems really special. I'm glad to carry it on! 

Have a great weekend! 

Simply, Juli

**Links to brands I love: 

Ayurveda Experience Here 

Lily and Fox Here 

Jordan Essentials Here

Amika hair care Here (and, not a product, but I must include a link to my hair stylist Here She's the best!)

Thrive cosmetics Here 

2-13-24, Opportunity Knocking!

Have you missed Jordan Essential products being in the studio? Me, too!  But they are back! I recently used up my last bottle of Peppermint Magnesium lotion and I knew I needed to get more soon (since I started using this lotion daily, my leg and foot cramps completely disappeared- no joke!). Before I re-ordered, I did a little research comparing Bath and Body Works products and Jordan Essentials. The shea butter hand and body cream from Bath and Body Works and the shea butter hand and body cream from Jordan Essentials.

Here is the breakdown: 

Bath and Body : 1 oz. 8.95

Jordan Essentials: 2 oz. 15.00 (1 oz. 7.50)

Jordan Essentials is .50 less

Okay, so that isn't really that much less, but keep reading. That's just the cost. Let’s talk about the product ingredients. 

Here are the labels on the back of each:

Jordan Essentials products have none of the following:

Parabens

Talc

Aluminum

Gluten

Mineral Oil

Animal Testing

Plus, they are:

*scented with pure essential oils, not overpowering fragrance

*made in Missouri in artisan fresh batches

*shipped in eco-conscious packaging-cardboard boxes filled with either shredded paper or biodegradable peanuts (they actually melt completely in water).

These products are aligned with the lifestyle that I try to live and try to encourage others to live, which is why I re-joined as a consultant rather than just re-ordered from my consultant.

Let's go back to the above example. Consultants earn at least 25% back, which, in this case, would be 1.88, so total cost for the above product would end up being 2.38 less than the Bath and Body product, which is a bit more significant! This is a tiny amount to compare, I know, but when you have a bulk order, 25% adds up! And, yes, they will mail you a check (or direct deposit)! 

If you know me well, you know I am not the salesperson type (it makes me super uncomfortable). But this time, it seems silly and unfair not to share the opportunity that these products and this company have to offer. Google the company (so this post doesn't get even longer!) and you'll discover some pretty cool stories!

So... if you are looking for another stream of income, consider joining as a consultant. You can sell as little or as much as you want, as long as you hit the $200 mark each year and you are willing to have a Jordan Essentials website open for orders. I signed up mainly because I was buying the products already, so it was a way for me to get them at a reduced price. At this point, though, I’d like another stream of income as I head towards retirement and this just feels right to me. Let me know if you are interested. The photo below shows the kit you will receive when you join for just $24. It really is such a good deal! (They also have a $49 kit and a $99 kit that are also great deals, if you would like more products to try or sell).

Be Still. Be Strong. Be Happy! Juli

2.10.24, Four Words and Ten Steps

 

AADD.  Adult Attention Deficit Disorder. I’m not sure if the doctor listed it as an official diagnosis in my chart, but we had a long discussion about it and she gave me a prescription to manage it (and the medicine helps) so I’m taking that as a diagnosis. Below is a brief list of common symptoms. (I won’t be specific about which ones apply to me. If you know me, I am sure it’s obvious!) Can you relate to any of these? 

Some specialists have suggested the following as a list of symptoms associated with ADHD in adults:

• carelessness and lack of attention to detail

• continually starting new tasks before finishing old ones

• poor organizational skills

• inability to focus or prioritize

• continually losing or misplacing things

• forgetfulness

• restlessness and edginess

• difficulty keeping quiet, and speaking out of turn

• blurting out responses and often interrupting others

• mood swings, irritability and a quick temper

• inability to deal with stress

• extreme impatience

• taking risks in activities, often with little or no regard for personal safety or the safety of others – for example, driving dangerously

                  (https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-adhd/symptoms/)

Knowing it has a name makes me feel so much better about my “air-headedness”(is that a word?). That "air-head" character trait followed me around for my entire life, along with the fear of appearing dumb (which is also, apparently, a thing), and the combination really tanked my self-esteem as a kid, a wife, a mother and pretty much any other role I’ve had in my life. What has cumulatively helped, along with the medication, are the tools I’ve gained over the years, which I’ll begin sharing with you here and will continue to do so, in greater detail, through the next few posts. They are (in no particular order):

1. Developing a morning routine,Habit stacking

2. Setting goals

3. Being still

4. Finding the perfect planner😃

5. Simplifying my "beauty" and wellness routine

6. Working towards a minimalist wardrobe

7. Working towards a minimalist lifestyle.

8. My extensive collection of self-help books

9. Changing and simplifying my diet.

10.  The 8-limb path of yoga and Ayurveda

My ADD symptoms have seemed a bit worse over the last few years, which is why I ended up in a discussion with my doctor. A few very stressful years took it's toll, but looking back, I can see that my brain was just on overload. The stress has eased, the symptoms have eased, but I still have to keep it in check. The one thing I know makes an immediate difference is forcing myself to spend time in stillness (#3 on the list) -actual, physical and mental stillness (meditation and Reiki, just being with myself and ignoring the thought track in my head), outside noise reduction (no tv on at home and no music in the car) and slow, repetitive, no-brainer activities like washing the dishes, folding laundry or hand-stitching, sewing, etc.  

Little pockets of time in little pockets of quiet spaces at home, help quiet my brain.

I’m looking forward to sharing this with you all, hoping some of what I’ve incorporated into my own life and what has really helped me, will also help you.

"When you inhabit your solitude fully and experience it's outer expresses of isolation and abandonment, you will find that at it's heart there is neither loneliness nor emptiness, but intimacy and shelter." ~John O'Donohue in Anam Cara

Be Still~ Juli

Answers, 1-25-24

2004

I didn't want to love you,

So I didn't, 

But I do,

Still. 

I needed to love you,

And I did,

And I do, 

Still.

~Juli

Start Living-Thoughtfully, 1-12-24

I haven't been able to get this quote out of my mind since I heard it a few nights ago. My husband and I are huge Mad Men fans and have watched the entire series over and over again since 2014. When there is nothing else that appeals to us, we always settle on watching Mad Men. I'm sure I've heard this quote many times before, but never really gave it a second thought. This time, though, it settled in a different way. So much so, that I made it my screen saver, so I could reflect on it every day. Although I am very content in my life, I know I can always be better and do better. Who I want to be in this world is always evolving, no matter my age. How I want to show up in the world and for the people in my life and how I want to be remembered by my kids, grand kids, great-grand kids (hopefully!) is always changing. I know I can always be a little better, in some way or another, than yesterday.  

Since reflecting on this quote, I've been asking myself, if I could be the amalgamation of any combination of people, who would it include and what are the qualities I admire in them? It's an interesting subject to chew on, right?

Considering this, I thought I'd pose the question to you (again, no matter your age). Who and what would make your list? Maybe write that list and start mulling it over every day. See what comes up for you. 

My point to this is to say, we can always change. It doesn't matter who you are, how old you are, where you live, how much money or stuff you have, or any other circumstance- you can always change. You can always decide how you perceive the world, who you want to be, how you want to live your life.  You just have to decide. Even if it's the tiniest change for the better, you'll always have something to look forward to. 

I've shared this many times over the years, but Maia is on my list. Although I don't know her, she reflects the life I want to have when I'm older. This is what I look forward to- living life simply, thoughtfully, peacefully, and beautifully.

Be Well, 

Juli